On a dismal, cloudy, rainy Sunday morning in late March, Chapter Two of my life began. A new chapter is often met with anticipation. And while there is anticipation in the air as the page turns, there’s also a significant degree of fear and uncertainty.
Chapter One lasted 20 years and, all things considered, it was a great 20 years. There were high points and low points, happiness and sadness, challenges and celebrations, failures and successes.
A trip to Disney World two years ago with was one of the happiest times of my life. During those eight days in January of 2007, my family spent more time with each other than we have in the past five years combined. And it was good. And it was right.
Today, looking out the window at the gloom enveloping the sky, I wonder how such contentment could have turned into such unhappiness. No doubt, I had a hand in it. Your life is what you make it.
I hope one day I am able to look out a different window at a much more pleasant sunny sky and feel happiness as Chapter Two unfolds. But right now as I take a break from writing, stand over the sink eating cereal and happen to glance at the clock…which reads exactly 9:11…things aren’t feeling so positive.
They say everything happens for a reason. That everything has a way of working itself out in the end. To a certain degree, I believe that and understand the trepidation I’m feeling right now will subside. It will be replaced with optimism for a new life, new friends and a renewed sense of purpose.
While the pain may subside, it will never, ever completely disappear. Nor should it. After all, life is a learning experience. If we were able to forget our experiences, we would never learn from them and never benefit from this adventure called life.
The next few months will be transitional for me. There will be big changes. Major upheavals. Location changes. Pain. Sorrow. Sadness. And much introspection. But also, I hope, there will be joy, positive readjustment and a renewed outlook on life.
In turning the page to Chapter Two, I’ve irreparably hurt people. I’ve damaged long-term relationships. I’ve broken people’s trust. I’ve lost people’s love. I’ve tarnished future friendships before they’ve even had a chance to grow. In short, I’ve fucked with people’s emotions and that’s a very bad thing.
While perhaps not knowing it at the time, I did choose the path which brought me to the beginning of Chapter Two. At first, withdrawal from active participation in Chapter One. Then, hesitant baby steps clearly outside the plot confines of the chapter. Then, a Chapter One cliffhanger that could end only with one possible outcome…and the onset of Chapter Two.
For better or worse, I, though the pen sometimes controlled the author, wrote it and it happened. In doing so, I, rightly or wrongly, changed the destiny of my life and those who are part of it forever. I understand this change has, and will continue to, cause great pain to the people in my life. I am so very sorry for causing any pain at all because all I want - all I’ve ever wanted - is for everyone to be happy. I know that’s not always possible but it’s what I strive for.
In hindsight, it most certainly should have been written differently. With a more sensitive stroke of the pen. With more character consultation. With less stupidity. And with much more honesty. Perhaps the outcome would have been the same but it most assuredly should have been written in a manner that didn’t cause so much harm and heartache to so many.
45 Comments
Wow. What can a man say? Life is change and how we roll with it is who we are.
Good luck rolling with the changes, Steve.
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